Classified Ads

Classified Ads (PG)

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The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN
BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN
SHEPHERD - PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH
IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD.
UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL
TISSUE 89 CENTS

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED.
SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH
PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED
CALL CHUBBIE

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA
FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE
A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER
BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL
HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN!
89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER
HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND
FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9
PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO
TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87
NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN
THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY
BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN
VICINITY ARE DEAD.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

BAR S SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY
SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2

OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

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Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at michael.bissell.conquent.com/blog -- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make the world... nutty.