22 November 1996 -- Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, 'Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?' Without missing a beat the controller replied, 'Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!'
15 November 1996 -- What the...?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said 'Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first'. The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation!
8 November 1996 -- Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after landing with his Approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: 'American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.'
1 November 1996 -- Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was 'GIB,' which stood for, 'Guy In Back.' The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a 'gib' is a castrated tomcat.
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying and about flying when he's with a woman.
11 October 1996 -- What Is That Thang? It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: 'Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles.' Three-two-Charlie: 'We've got him. We'll follow him.' KC Approach: 'Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?' Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): 'Well ... I've Got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.'
13 September 1996 -- Mama Didn't Raise No Fools! Unknown Aircraft: 'I'm f--king bored!' Air Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!' Unknown Aircraft: 'I said I was f--king bored, not f--king stupid!'
6 September 1994 -- Mmmm, Mmmm, Good! Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.' Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.' Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7 ...did you copy the report from Eastern?' Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff ... and, yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified Eastern's caterers.'
28 June 1996 -- No, That's Not What I Said! O'Hare Approach Control: 'United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound.' United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got that Fokker in sight.'
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Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at michaelbissell.com/blog
-- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make
the world... nutty.