Intel Announces Breast Implant Products

Intel Announces Breast Implant Products (G)

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BEAVERTON, OREGON - Intel Corporation announced a major expansion of its successful 'Intel Inside' campaign with a new line of silicon breast implants.

'We thought this would be a natural market for us because of our unparalleled knowledge of silicon,' Intel spokesperson Duwane Marino told the tightly-packed audience at a press conference in the Teton Auditorium in Beaverton's Civic Center Building. 'Besides, Intel has a wealth of experience forcing new technology on the mass market. We feel that we're the company that makes cosmetic upgrades a part of the average person's life.

Implant beta-test subject, actress and model Eirika Anderssen, stated that her career is 133% faster since receiving 'Pointium-II' implants at the beginning of the year. 'Intel Inside stacks up against the best of the others,' she said.

Industry experts agree that the Intel move will turn plenty of heads, but believe the market for the new Intel products will be soft through 3rd quarter as women wait for faster, second generation models that feature new 'plug and play' capabilities.

Upon announcements of these results, Intel Corporation (NYSE symbol `INTL') stock rose, but sagged mid-day on rumors of lumpy breasts in some subjects due to rounding errors and possible memory leaks in the new implants. By the end of the day, the stock perked up 2 points at closing when the rumors proved to be falsies.

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