A Short list of nevers:

Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the 'Mayflower Madam'

Never say 'Oops' in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me on this. -Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous

Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. -G.K. Chesterton

Never use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, 'Look, it's always gonna be me!' -Rita Rudner

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. -Woodrow Wilson

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. -Winston Churchill

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John Peers

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -Geraldo Rivera

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. - Ruth Gordon

Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. -American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.