The Top 13 Changes at Microsoft as a Result of Antitrust Charges

13 Microsoft offices no longer providing toilet paper bearing Netscape logo.

12 Follow-up release to 'IE4' now being referred to internally as 'IE,5-10, with time off for good behavior.'

11 Before devouring competitors, must now say: 'pretty please with jam on top'

10 Cancellation of planned ad campaign: 'You'll think what we TELL you to think!'

9 Company United Way contributions redirected towards the 'Let's Buy The US Government' fund.

8 Plans quietly tabled to begin marketing: MSFood, MSClothing and MSShelter

7 10:00 AM: Barksdale visits Gates's office to sign landmark settlement agreement. 10:05 AM: Piranhas beneath trap door get some lunch.

6 Bumper stickers removed from corporate limousines which read. 'I don't break for software companies'

5 Internal memos no longer refer to Janet Reno as 'liquor addled she-male.'

4 Kick back for a while, let loser companies catch up.

3 Now relegated to making large piles of cash, down from huge buttwads of cash.

2 Using honesty, humility and cooperation, allow one small competitor to show a modest profit for three straight quarters. Then when they're lulled, club 'em to death like a baby seal.

1 Tables turned in jail, where Bill Gates has no choice but to have 'Big Louie's Inmate Explorer' installed against *his* will.