‘Vowels Are Not Free,’ Says Tea Party Favorite



WASHINGTON (The PDX) – Fresh from the Tea Party’s triumph in the recent debt ceiling fight, Tea Party favorite Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) set the stage for another budget-cutting battle today, proposing that the Federal government slash half the alphabet over the next four years.

“The days of living large with a 26-letter alphabet are over,” Rep. Bachmann said. “As anyone who watches ‘Wheel of Fortune’ knows, vowels are not free.”

If the Tea Party proposal becomes law, the United States will have to make do with only thirteen letters by as early as 2015, Rep. Bachmann said.

The push to slash letters from the alphabet already has broad support among the Tea Party faithful, who find the overabundance of letters an annoyance when it comes to composing protest signs.

Rep. Bachmann said that there would be tremendous cost savings with a thirteen-letter alphabet, or “afbat,” as she called it.

“With fewer letters, we would have fewer books, fewer schools, and lower taxes,” she said. “Although we will have no taxes at all once we eliminate the letter X.”

Critics of the plan argue that it goes too far, since cutting the letter X would eliminate not only taxes but also the entire state of Texas.

But for his part, Texas Governor Rick Perry seemed unfazed by that possibility: “I would be proud to be Governor of the great state of Teas.”

Elsewhere, at the White House Vice President Joe Biden offered an apology for his remark about the Tea Party: “Did I say terrorists? I meant axe-murderers.”