Editor's note: This is a crude, sick series of shock jokes. You've been warned.
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Becoming a parent for the first time can be a bewildering experience. Here are some tips to help you through those hectic first few months:
- Wait at least three weeks before tattooing baby.
- If baby starts to choke, don't help: Allowing infant to cough up blockage "all-by-myself" will help tremendously in development of his or her self-esteem.
- Always store baby in a secure, locked drawer when not in use.
- Prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by screaming at baby every five minutes, "Are you okay, baby?!"
- Babies love to play. Grasp baby by ankles and, with quick snap of the wrist, crack its soft skull against wall or floor.
- Tired of your baby's fat, wrinkled appearance? Apply hot iron to him or her for 30 seconds on each side.
- Baby carriers are a needless expense. Try metal pail instead.
- Your newborn's tiny fingers and toes look so cute, you may want to just nibble them right off, but don't - fingers and toes do not grow back.
- When mailing baby across country, be sure to poke holes in box.
- Car safety is an important, often overlooked facet of infant care. When securing baby in spare-tire well, weigh child down with cinderblock to keep him or her from flying out of pickup bed.
- When referring to baby in third-person, always use pronoun "it."
- Develop baby's hand-eye coordination by shooting rubberbands at his or her face. In time, he or she will learn to block them.
Buy my book!
Mundane Journeys through an Amazing World begins with Interstate 80. Not the most engaging topic, I know, but when you think about it, I-80 runs all the way across the North American continent linking San Francisco and New York. It's not just a ribbon of asphalt, it's a portal to far away, almost magical places.
My visits to major cities like Tokyo, London and Washington DC have been business affairs. I haven't rode a lot of roller coasters or ridden in open air buses, but I have visited with senators, bought yams from the back of a truck and barely escaped complete embarrassment when I was introduced to Matt Wiener in Vegas.
As I wrote the book I realized that over the years exotic, distant places have become more like the mundane places I've called home. But, as it turns out, there really aren't any mundane places, only mundane ways of looking at things.
If you have the cost of a latte and a Kindle, you can buy a copy at Amazon by
clicking here.
Or buy it in print!
Mundane Journeys Trade Paperback
Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at
michaelbissell.com/blog -- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make
the world... nutty.
Today's blog: Being Watched by TV
Follow @bissell and @jokeindex on Twitter
