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A  few gems from Air Traffic Control      (G)

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Tower:  "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles  .."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital  watches!"


"TWA 2341,  for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are  at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir,  have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a  727?"


O'Hare Approach  Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a  Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 239:  "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the  little Fokker in  sight."


A DC-10 had  come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll  out after touching down.
San Jose       Tower  Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at  the end of the runway, if you are able. 
If  you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101,  make a right at the lights and return to the  airport."


A Pan Am 727  flight waiting for start clearance in   Munich    overheard the  following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our  start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an  answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English):  "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in    Germany    . Why  must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in  a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody  war."


One day the  pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of  the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed,  rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the  Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got  on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make  it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let  the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out  of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have  enough parts for another  one."


While taxiing  at   London 's Gatwick Airport , the  crew of a US Air flight  departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn  and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female  ATC ground controller lashed out at the    US    Air crew,  screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?  I  told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!  You turned  right on Delta! Stop right there.

I know it's difficult for  you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it  right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she  was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed  everything up!  It'll take forever to sort this out! You  stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can  expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and  I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell  you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air  2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew  responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications  frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of  US Air 2771.

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground  controller in her current state of mind.

 Tension in every  cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running  high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and  keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't  I married to you once?"  

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