15 iBank app tracks how many organs you'll need to sell to pay off the cost of it.

14 Keeps popping up messages give you the address of someone named Sara Conner.

13 Reassurance Generator application continually reminds you that you are indeed smarter *and* cooler than a Windows user.

12 Continuous GPS monitoring of Paris Hilton.

11 When the new iPhone model comes out in four months, you can put this one under the short leg of a table to make it perfectly level.

10 Renders certain other hand-held devices inoperable with "Blackberry Jam" feature.

9 Flipped upside down, it doubles as a Fleshlight.

8 Plus: Beatles ringtones put money in Paul McCartney's pocket.
Minus: Beatles ringtones put money in Yoko Ono's pocket.

7 Tghe toiuchsxcreenb keytpadf isd reaslklyt accuyraterf abnd eadsy toi usre.

6 Comes pre-loaded with naked pictures of Peter Jackson, Kevin Smith and the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation."

5 iEyeMe feature provides a separate hand-held mirror so you can admire yourself using your iPhone, you groovy geek, you!

4 Everyone invited to come to Steve Jobs' compound for free Kool-Aid. Or else.

3 For some reason, calls made with the new iVideoPhone feature always show a close-up of the calling party's inner ear.

2 Comes with a trophy stand so it'll look great next to your CB radio, quadrophonic 8-track and laser disc player next year.

#1 Surprise Features of the iPhone...

1 Automatically dials 911 whenever those mean PC bullies kick your dweeby ass.