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Baby care for the first time parent (Sick) (R)

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Editor's note: This is a crude, sick series of shock jokes. You've been warned.

Becoming a parent for the first time can be a bewildering experience. Here are some tips to help you through those hectic first few months:

- Wait at least three weeks before tattooing baby.

- If baby starts to choke, don't help: Allowing infant to cough up blockage "all-by-myself" will help tremendously in development of his or her self-esteem.

- Always store baby in a secure, locked drawer when not in use.

- Prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by screaming at baby every five minutes, "Are you okay, baby?!"

- Babies love to play. Grasp baby by ankles and, with quick snap of the wrist, crack its soft skull against wall or floor.

- Tired of your baby's fat, wrinkled appearance? Apply hot iron to him or her for 30 seconds on each side.

- Baby carriers are a needless expense. Try metal pail instead.

- Your newborn's tiny fingers and toes look so cute, you may want to just nibble them right off, but don't - fingers and toes do not grow back.

- When mailing baby across country, be sure to poke holes in box.

- Car safety is an important, often overlooked facet of infant care. When securing baby in spare-tire well, weigh child down with cinderblock to keep him or her from flying out of pickup bed.

- When referring to baby in third-person, always use pronoun "it."

- Develop baby's hand-eye coordination by shooting rubberbands at his or her face. In time, he or she will learn to block them.

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Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at -- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make the world... nutty.

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