A few years ago, I applied for a job at Kodak. I made it through all the interviews with flying colours, and the only thing left was the drug test. I was confident in passing, but there was one slight problem: I have *very* shy kidneys. I've had to sneak out of the doctor's office on more than one occasion, because I can't "go" and fill up a cup on command. Usually, this is a good thing, as I can go to a concert or football game, drink beer all day, and be fine until I get home, while my friends are standing in line in the bathrooms several times during the same time period.
So, to prepare, on the morning I had to take the test, I drank my usual 10-cup pot of coffee, and several large glasses of water, and for the 20-minute trip to Kodak, I filled a plastic gallon jug with water, and finished it off on the way. Now, Kodak has huge parking lots, each containg hundreds and hundreds of cars, and by the time I got there, the visitor's lots were pretty full, and I had to park way in the back.
As soon as I got out of my car, I'm thinking, "Good, it worked, I think I can go!" By the time I'd finished the 10-minute walk to the entrance, I was thinking, "Boy, no problems now, I can *definitely* go!"
To get in, I had to go past a security hut. I told them why I was there, and they told me where to report, about another 10-minute walk, a little ways into the plant. I had to pass building after building before I got to the right one, every step of the way, becoming actually painful, and before I was there, I was looking at bushes and doorways and the like, thinking, "Well, if it gets too bad, I could go there, or maybe there, or..."
By the time I got to the right building, I was just about in agony. I found the right area, and the receptionist told me to take a seat with about 8 other people. I sat down, thinking that would help, but 10 seconds later I was up, walking around, trying to read stuff on the wall, anything to keep my mind occuppied, but managing to read 5 or 10 words, and then having to pace again.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and after having asked the girl a couple of times how long, I told her, "look, either you get me in *now*, or I use the bathroom over there, and we reschedule!!" She said she'd see what she could do, and left. I went back to sit down, and it took all of 5 seconds before I was up pacing again. She came back a few minutes later, and told me to go on in.
When I got to the actual room, there were 4 people standing in line. I hopped up and down a couple of times, before I passed the others, went to the nurses, and told them I have to go **NOW**!!! They asked the others in line if anyone objected, and they said no, so they said as soon as one of the 2 bathrooms come free, I could go. I snatched the cup out of his hand, and practically raced down the aisle to the bathrooms and just stood waiting. It couldn't have been more than 20 seconds or so, but they were some of the most agonizing seconds of my life!!
Finally, one of the doors opened, and I nearly flattened some poor girl coming out in my rush to get in. I closed the door, grabbed my pants, breathed in, and dropped them and then my underwear, and then the world caved in... I started going. And going. And going. I could have knocked down the Berlin wall with the force! But the problem was, that I couldn't "grab" it!! It was whipping around like one of those Water Wiggle things. I'm trying like heck to reign it it in, but just couldn't. I'm dancing around in a circle, with my pants around my ankles, trying to grab it, and it was just about impossible for probably a good 15 seconds. Finally, I did, and was able to aim in the toilet, just remembering at the end to put a shot or two in the cup to put on the little shelf. By the time I'd stopped, I was physically spent, and just leaned up against the wall, feeling like I'd just run a marathon...
It was then that was able to survey the bathroom. It was a room, about 7x7, but my god... I had finished the most intense pee of my life in the john, but before I'd gained control, I'd soaked the entire toilet, the sink, the floor, the walls. You name it, it was drenched -- including my pants and underwear. I tried soaking it up with toilet paper (using the whole roll as a sponge), but that was drenched and didn't work that well. I'd also soaked the extra rolls on the back of the toilet, the paper towel holder, and the extra roll of paper towels. I went through the garbage, pulling out half-soaked old towels, just trying to make the place semi-presentable, as in the sink and the mirror, but it didn't do much good. I was just ending up pushing the wet around, so I finally gave up.
Steeling myself, I pulled up my wet underwear, then my wet pants, and pulled down my semi-wet shirt as much as possible, and went out. I whipped back up the aisle, thanking the nurse, without slowing down, and out the door as fast as my legs would carry me, imagining what the next person to use that bathroom would encounter.
The silver lining: I got the job!!
Need an API?
I've built a little API-as-a-Service platform that makes it easy to create an API and deploy it to a private cloud. So easy you can use a spreadsheet and launch it in less than 5 minutes. Check out my 4 minute demo:
Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at michaelbissell.com/blog
-- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make
the world... nutty.