Jokeindex home

A short list of 'Never...' (G)


More Stuff!
Jokeindex Home
G rated jokes
Quotes
A Short list of nevers:

Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the 'Mayflower Madam'

Never say 'Oops' in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me on this. -Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous

Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. -G.K. Chesterton

Never use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, 'Look, it's always gonna be me!' -Rita Rudner

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. -Woodrow Wilson

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. -Winston Churchill

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John Peers

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -Geraldo Rivera

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. - Ruth Gordon

Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. -American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.




Buy my book!
Mundane Journeys through an Amazing World begins with Interstate 80. Not the most engaging topic, I know, but when you think about it, I-80 runs all the way across the North American continent linking San Francisco and New York. It's not just a ribbon of asphalt, it's a portal to far away, almost magical places.

My visits to major cities like Tokyo, London and Washington DC have been business affairs. I haven't rode a lot of roller coasters or ridden in open air buses, but I have visited with senators, bought yams from the back of a truck and barely escaped complete embarrassment when I was introduced to Matt Wiener in Vegas.

As I wrote the book I realized that over the years exotic, distant places have become more like the mundane places I've called home. But, as it turns out, there really aren't any mundane places, only mundane ways of looking at things.

If you have the cost of a latte and a Kindle, you can buy a copy at Amazon by clicking here.

Or buy it in print! Mundane Journeys Trade Paperback


Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at michaelbissell.com/blog -- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make the world... nutty.

Today's blog: Historical Figures in Modern Clothes
Follow @bissell and @jokeindex on Twitter