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76 things banned by Leviticus (PG)


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Not actually a joke, but some of these things are hilarious.

1. Burning any yeast or honey in offerings to God (2:11) [Normal penalty.]

2. Failing to include salt in offerings to God (2:13) [Normal penalty.]

3. Eating fat (3:17) [That ones a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, wherever you live. All fat is to be saved for offerings to God. Normal penalty.]

4. Eating blood (3:17) [Normal penalty]

5. Failing to testify against any wrongdoing youve witnessed (5:1) [They will be held responsible.]

6. Failing to testify against any wrongdoing youve been told about (5:1) [Which sounds like hearsay. At any rate, they shall be held responsible.]

7. Touching an unclean animal (5:2) [NIV translates this as touching the carcass of an unclean animal. So if Rover dies, or youre a worker in a pork plant, youre in trouble here. Normal penalty.]

8. Carelessly making an oath (5:4) [Even if you dont realize you have. Normal penalty.]

9. Deceiving a neighbour about something trusted to them (6:2) [Return the item and a 20% penalty, plus normal penalty.]

10. Finding lost property and lying about it (6:3) [Return the item and a 20% penalty, plus normal penalty.]

11. Bringing unauthorised fire before God (10:1) [God will smite you.]

12. Letting your hair become unkempt (10:6) [You will die and God will be angry at everyone. May only apply to the priesthood.]

13. Tearing your clothes (10:6) [You will die and God will be angry at everyone. May only apply to the priesthood.]

14. Drinking alcohol in holy places (bit of a problem for Catholics, this un) (10:9) [You will die. May only apply to the priesthood.]

15. Eating an animal which doesnt both chew cud and has a divided hoof (cf: camel, rabbit, pig) (11:4-7) [You will be unclean.]

16. Touching the carcass of any of the above (problems here for rugby) (11:8) [You will be unclean.]

17. Eating or touching the carcass of any seafood without fins or scales (11:10-12) [You will be unclean.]

18. Eating or touching the carcass of eagle, the vulture, the black vulture, the red kite, any kind of black kite, any kind of raven, the horned owl, the screech owl, the gull, any kind of hawk, the little owl, the cormorant, the great owl, the white owl, the desert owl, the osprey, the stork, any kind of heron, the hoopoe and the bat. (11:13-19) [You will be unclean.]

19. Eating or touching the carcass of flying insects with four legs, unless those legs are jointed (11:20-22) [You will be unclean.]

20. Eating any animal which walks on all four and has paws (good news for cats) (11:27) [You will be unclean. Also applies to touching their carcasses.]

21. Eating or touching the carcass of the weasel, the rat, any kind of great lizard,the gecko, the monitor lizard, the wall lizard, the skink and the chameleon (11:29) [You will be unclean.]

22. Eating or touching the carcass of any creature which crawls on many legs, or its belly (11:41-42) [You will be unclean.]

23. Going to church within 33 days after giving birth to a boy (12:4) [Actually, shes unclean a week, and then another 33 days. Then she has to offer up a sacrifice.]

24. Going to church within 66 days after giving birth to a girl (12:5) [Actually, shes unclean a week, and then another 66 days. Then she has to offer up a sacrifice.]

25. Having sex with your mother (18:7) [The penalty for all the sexual sins in ch. 18 is that the participants are to be cut off from their people. Some have additional penalties mentioned below.]

26. Having sex with your fathers wife (18:8) [In 20:11, both are to be put to death.]

27. Having sex with your sister (18:9) [In 20:17, if you marry her, both are to be publicly removed from their people]

28. Having sex with your granddaughter (18:10)

29. Having sex with your half-sister (18:11)

30. Having sex with your biological aunt (18:12-13) [In 20:19, he will be held responsible for the dishonor.]

31. Having sex with your uncles wife (18:14) [In 20:20, they are held responsible for the dishonor, they will die childless”]

32. Having sex with your daughter-in-law (18:15) [In 20:12, both are to be put to death.]

33. Having sex with your sister-in-law (18:16) [In 20:21, if you marry her, they will be childless.]

34. Having sex with a woman and also having sex with her daughter or granddaughter (bad news for Alan Clark) (18:17) [No specific penalty given, but per 20:14 if you marry both of them, all three of you are to be burned in fire.]

35. Marrying your wifes sister while your wife still lives (18:18)

36. Having sex with a woman during her period (18:19) [15:24 simply says the man will be considered unclean for 7 days. In 20:18, Both of them are to be cut off from their people]

37. Having sex with your neighbours wife (18:20) [In 20:10, both are to be put to death.]

38. Giving your children to be sacrificed to Molek (18:21) [In 20:2, the person is to be stoned to death.]

39. Having sex with a man as one does with a woman (18:22) [In 20:13, both are to be put to death.]

40. Having sex with an animal (18:23) [In 20:15, both are to be killed.]

41. Making idols or metal gods (19:4) [No penalty given.]

42. Reaping to the very edges of a field (19:9) [To be left for the poor. No penalty given.]

43. Picking up grapes that have fallen in your vineyard (19:10) [To be left for the poor. No penalty given.]

44. Stealing (19:11) [No penalty given.]

45. Lying (19:11) [No penalty given.]

46. Swearing falsely on Gods name (19:12) [No penalty given.]

47. Defrauding your neighbour (19:13) [No penalty given.]

48. Holding back the wages of an employee overnight (not well observed these days) (19:13) [No penalty given.]

49. Cursing the deaf or abusing the blind (19:14) [No penalty given.]

50. Perverting justice, showing partiality to either the poor or the rich (19:15) [No penalty given.]

51. Spreading slander (19:16) [No penalty given.]

52. Doing anything to endanger a neighbours life (19:16) [No penalty given.]

53. Seeking revenge or bearing a grudge (19:18) [No penalty given.]

54. Mixing fabrics in clothing (19:19) [No penalty given.]

55. Cross-breeding animals (19:19) [No penalty given.]

56. Planting different seeds in the same field (19:19) [No penalty given.]

57. Sleeping with another mans slave (19:20) [Due punishment, but not death, just a ram for sacrifice.]

58. Eating fruit from a tree within four years of planting it (19:23) [No penalty given. May only apply to fruit trees planted in Israel.]

59. Practising divination or seeking omens (tut, tut astrology) (19:26) [No penalty, but in 20:6 they will be cut off from their people by God. In 20:27, they are to be stoned to death.]

60. Trimming your beard (19:27) [No penalty given.]

61. Cutting your hair at the sides (19:27) [No penalty given.]

62. Getting tattoos (19:28) [No penalty given.]

63. Making your daughter prostitute herself (19:29) [The land will turn to prostitution. No other penalty given.]

64. Turning to mediums or spiritualists (19:31) [No penalty given.]

65. Not standing in the presence of the elderly (19:32) [No penalty given.]

66. Mistreating foreigners the foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born (19:33-34) [No penalty given.]

67. Using dishonest weights and scales (19:35-36) [No penalty given.]

68. Cursing your father or mother (punishable by death) (20:9) [Death, as noted.]

69. Marrying a prostitute, divorcee or widow if you are a priest (21:7,13) [No penalty given.]

70. Entering a place where theres a dead body as a priest (21:11) [I.e., if youre a priest. No penalty given.]

71. Slaughtering a cow/sheep and its young on the same day (22:28) [May apply only to sacrificial animals. No penalty given.]

72. Working on the Sabbath (23:3) [No penalty given.]

73. Blasphemy (punishable by stoning to death) (24:14) [Death.]

74. Inflicting an injury; killing someone elses animal; killing a person must be punished in kind (24:17-22) [Killing someone means death. Injuring someone mean punishment in kind. Killing or injuring anothers animal means punishment in kind.]

75. Selling land permanently (25:23) [No penalty given.]

76. Selling an Israelite as a slave (foreigners are fine) (25:42) [No penalty given.]




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