75 things Sarah Palin might well have said (G)
1. I know all about Iran. I ran for Mayor and then I ran for Governor!
2. I can't comment on the Kyoto Accord as I've only ever seen the Honda.
3. My pregnant daughter is definitely going to marry the baby's father, John Edwards... I mean Levi Johnston
4. I just saw a photo of Barack Obama. Is that what a black man looks like?
5. I look forward to negotiating with the Shi'ites, as I haven't had a good one all week.
6. I wouldn't want to go over to Kabul. I'm perfectly happy with my DirectTV.
7. I think that the drop in the price of stock is a good thing, as now people will be able to make their soups cheaper.
8. I've got a four month old, I'm about to be a grandmother, and I have to change McCain's diapers too?
9. Alaskan oil can end shipments of petroleum from the Middle East. Next we need to end their shipments of convenience store managers.
10. I put a $150 bounty on every wolf shot from a helicopter. How much do I have to offer for Obama?
11. I've been a fan of John McCain for years, even since before Kelly replaced Kathie Lee on his show.
12. When the reporter asked me about Iraq, I thought he was eyeing my rack.
13. I know how to deal with Hamas. With a side of eggs.
14. I told John McCain I don't know how to deal with the nasty rumors about me on the internet! John replied "what's the internet?"
15. I know all about Russia. I tried to get my brother in law to play their Roulette.
16. When I started with Yahoo Mail I thought it was a guy who liked to party!
17. I learned about international relations from Todd. He's got Russian hands and Roman fingers.
18. I told John McCain that the best way to deal with Hugo Chavez is to play Bingo with Venezuela: B1, B2, B52...
19. EU? That's what I say whenever Trig pukes up.
20. I warned Obama not to mess with me or I'll get my brother in law to Taser him.
21. I don't know about Fidel Castro, but Todd has a Gibson Guitar.
22. I'm sure victory in Iraq is in the Bag, Dad.
23. I was told Angela Merkel was European. I thought what you're doing when you're in the bathroom.
24. I told the Alaska Legislature that I'm not going to submit to a tainted probe. My daughter's done enough of that!
25. John McCain has an unique and valuable perspective on petroleum production. He remembers the dinosaurs that are now our oil.
26. I have a great Alaskan recipe for Bear Stearns.
27. I'm not going to meet with Gordon Brown in Number Ten. I don't even do Number One in public!
28. I'd deal with a Prime Minister Tzipi in the same way I'd deal with Dee, Doo and Dah.
29. I don't think that Americans should elect Barack Hussein Obama, a man who is related to Saddam!
30. When I'm Vice President I won't discuss government top-secrets on Yahoo Mail. Hotmail is much more secure.
31. I think Dion should win the Canadian election because I loved her Vegas show.
32. Of course I know about the Gaza Strip. I had to wrap one on Todd's injured arm.
33. I educated my daughter on sexually transmitted diseases. We Alaskans are experts in the Deadliest Catch.
34. I'm sorry that the Lehman Brothers went bankrupt as I really loved their bagels.
35. I'm highly qualified as a diplomat: I have a high school diplomat.
36. No, I was Mayor of Wasilla, not a regular on Saturday Night Live!
37. I'm against free trade. I think other countries should pay for our products.
38. If I became President, the White House would go from a Bush to a bush.
39. I welcome Israeli involvement in the West Bank if they can keep it from failing.
40. Senator Chuck Hagel was wrong when he said I don't have foreign experience. When I went to Germany last year, I had sex with Todd.
41. A break with China? I have Corelle as it doesn't break.
42. I support government bailouts. After all, as Governor I bailed out of that damn bridge.
43. I know how to deal with Sarkozy. I'll just ship my daughter to Paris and he'll drop Carla like a rock.
44. I'm sure that was Barack Obama on TV winning the U.S. Open before his knee gave out.
45. I oppose the Lisbon Treaty. I believe women should marry men.
46. Yes, I posed in a bikini holding a rifle. Should I not have worn the bikini?
47. There's no truth that Trig is my grandson! Bristol's not a rabbit!
48. I think we should make Todd the Ambassador to Canada. I know that he's really great at beaver bashing.
49. I have a solution for the oil crisis. We should just extract the oil from Levi Johnston's face.
50. I'm familiar with Russia. My daughter was in a Russia to get pregnant.
51. Does The Bush Doctrine mean he has a female physician?
52. I am well equipped for international diplomacy as I speak in many tongues.
53. I'm not worried about winning re-election in 2012 as the Apocalypse will have hit by then.
54. I thought it was terrible that the Bank of America Lynched Merrill!
55. I'm well equipped to be John McCain's Vice President. I took the Alaska Red Cross CPR class.
56. Palestinians? Is that what my supporters are calling themselves?
57. I've had five kids. I know all about same sex marriage.
58. Of course Obama is a Muslim. Next thing you're going to tell me is that McCain doesn't sell frozen french fries!
59. At the RNC when the crowd was chanting "Drill Baby Drill" John McCain was trying to pull off my panties!
60. The CNN reporter asked me about Ahmadinejad, so I said Gesundheit.
61. I know how to deal with Putin. I got the last one who did that to marry my daughter.
62. No, the sign should say McCain-Palin 2008, not Geezer-Gidget 2008!
63. I'm so happy that John asked me to accompany him to Vienna, Ohio. That makes three international capitals that I've visited!
64. There's no truth in the claim that when I granted half a billion dollars to the chairman of TransCanada Pipelines, my daughter was a free bonus!
65. Wasn't John McCain discussing oil exploration when he said he wanted to drill in my oyster ditch?
66. I believe illegal aliens should be deported and their flying saucers impounded.
67. I'm familiar with the geography of the Middle East. Syria is between Iraq and a hard place.
68. When I'm Vice President I won't stop at just shooting lawyers in the face.
69. I'm glad the Italian government has shut down their local Al Qaeda group: Alitalia.
70. I don't think the U.S. should get involved in Kashmir. I prefer Mohair.
71. Of course I'm ready to be President! It's not like Bush is a hard act to follow.
72. When I was asked how I'd deal with Oil Sheiks, I told them that I've already given Levi Johnston a case of Lubed Durex.
73. John McCain is correct in stating that the US economy is strong, but smell isn't everything.
74. Did I make a mistake when I said we should nationalize the Stanley Cup?
75. I do have views on Russia! In Wasilla with a good antenna we can view Dealski or No Dealski (or Russian Idol, or Desperate Babushkas, or Gorky Park 90210, or Hannah Siberia, or Gulag Break, or Knight Lada, or Redstar Galactica, or The New Adventures Of Old Gorbachev, or Two & A Half Ruskies, or CSI: Moscow, or The Biggest Boozer, or It's Always Sunny In Saint Petersburg, or Tsar Of the Hill, or Dateline KGB, or Everybody Loves Rurik, or Hole In The Berlin Wall, or Dirty Sexy Rubles, or Russian Chopper, or Kremlinfornication, or My Name Is Evgeniy, or BaikalWatch, or Russia's Got Talent, or Ramsay's Borscht Nightmare, or Buffy The Mafiya Slayer...)
OK, here comes the obvious disclaimer: Governor Sarah Palin never said, articulated, stated, verbalized, uttered, mumbled, vocalized, expressed, aired, announced, declared, enunciated, proclaimed, alleged, mouthed, murmured, phrased, thought, imagined, or even dreamed any of these lines!
Buy my book!
Mundane Journeys through an Amazing World
begins with Interstate 80. Not the most engaging topic, I know, but when you think about it, I-80 runs all the way across the North American continent linking San Francisco and New York. It's not just a ribbon of asphalt, it's a portal to far away, almost magical places.
My visits to major cities like Tokyo, London and Washington DC have been business affairs. I haven't rode a lot of roller coasters or ridden in open air buses, but I have visited with senators, bought yams from the back of a truck and barely escaped complete embarrassment when I was introduced to Matt Wiener in Vegas.
As I wrote the book I realized that over the years exotic, distant places have become more like the mundane places I've called home. But, as it turns out, there really aren't any mundane places, only mundane ways of looking at things.
If you have the cost of a latte and a Kindle, you can buy a copy at Amazon by clicking here.
Or buy it in print! Mundane Journeys Trade Paperback
Be sure to check out my blog at
-- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make
the world... nutty.
Today's blog: The New Facebook is Text Messaging
Follow @bissell and @jokeindex on Twitter