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Top 28 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (PG)

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Sharp-tongued comedian Dennis Miller has been chosen as part of the new broadcast team for ABC Monday Night Football this coming year. What can we expect to hear from the king of rants?

28> "Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day."

27> "Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary -- the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians."

26> "That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong."

25> "I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun."

24> "With Browns' ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the 'dog pound' are secretly calculating how much blood they're going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the table."

23> "The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop."

22> "Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar."

21> "I've seen women pee standing up with better aim."

20> "I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference."

19> "Somebody call Janet Reno -- I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!"

18> "The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts."

17> "That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche."

16> "The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night."

15> "I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet."

14> "That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO."

13> "Hey, Cunningham -- Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi."

12> "Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!"

11> "He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house."

10> "Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?"

9> "Hey Deion, Bubbelah -- maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?"

8> "Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks."

7> "When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb."

6> "Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'"

5> "That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena."

4> "That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?"

3> "Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island."

2> "Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in."

...and's Number 1 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quote...

1> "Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!"

From The Top 5 List at

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