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Rules of Judaism (G)

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If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.

No one looks good in a yalmulke.

Wasps leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

20% off is a bargain; 50% off is a mitzvah.

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

And what's so wrong with dry turkey?

If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

If you don't eat, it will kill me.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended (only for NYorkers)

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

Before you read the menu, read the prices.

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens around age 45 (65 if he is Italian).

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

Buy my book!
Mundane Journeys through an Amazing World begins with Interstate 80. Not the most engaging topic, I know, but when you think about it, I-80 runs all the way across the North American continent linking San Francisco and New York. It's not just a ribbon of asphalt, it's a portal to far away, almost magical places.

My visits to major cities like Tokyo, London and Washington DC have been business affairs. I haven't rode a lot of roller coasters or ridden in open air buses, but I have visited with senators, bought yams from the back of a truck and barely escaped complete embarrassment when I was introduced to Matt Wiener in Vegas.

As I wrote the book I realized that over the years exotic, distant places have become more like the mundane places I've called home. But, as it turns out, there really aren't any mundane places, only mundane ways of looking at things.

If you have the cost of a latte and a Kindle, you can buy a copy at Amazon by clicking here.

Or buy it in print! Mundane Journeys Trade Paperback

Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at -- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make the world... nutty.

Today's blog: The New Facebook is Text Messaging
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