1. The average cucumber is at least six inches long. 2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. 3. A cucumber won't tell you size don't count. 4. Cucumbers don't get TOO excited. 5. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety. 6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up. 7. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket... and you know how firm it is before you take it home. 8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend. 9. With a cucumber you can get a single room and ... you won't have to check in as 'Mrs. Cucumber'. 10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. 11. If you can go to the movie with a cucumber and see the movie at a drive in you can stay in the front seat. 12. A cucumber can always wait until you get home. 13. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn. 14. A cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne Film Festival. 15. A cucumber won't ask: 'Am I first?' 16. Cucumbers don't care whether you're a virgin. 17. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin. 18. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin. 19. With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once. 20. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on men's room wall. 21. Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups. 22. Cucumbers won't ask: 'Am I the best', 'How was it?' 'Did you come?', 'How many times?' 23. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski instructor or hair dresser. 24. Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one. 25. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator. 26. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over. 27. No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber. 28. You can dish a cucumber up for dinner to your Brother-in law & Sister, after fucking it. 29. Cucumbers can handle rejection. 30. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache. 31. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 32. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. 33. A cucumber won't give it up for lent. 34. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry. 35. Cucumbers won't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. 36. A cucumber will never give you a hickey. 37. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. 38. A cucumber won't work your crossword in ink. 39. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat. 40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car. 41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor. 42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library. 43. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest. 44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on or hairspray. 45. Cucumbers won't leave dirty shorts on the floor. 46. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet. 47. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you're in the shower. 48. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. 49. Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold. 50. Cucumbers won't tell you they liked you better with long hair. 51. A cucumber will never leave you for another man, another woman or another cucumber. 52. You will always know where your cucumber has been. 53. A cucumber never has to call 'the wife'. 54. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them. 55. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle. 56. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it. 57. You don't have to wait for halftime to talk to your cucumber. 58. A cucumber won't leave town on New Years Eve. 59. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom. 60. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers. 61. It's easy to drop a cucumber. 62. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
Here's what I did stuck at home...
I got bored just puttering in my shop, so I thought I'd take that old lattice in the back yard and nail it to the wall. Actually turned out pretty cool
Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at
michaelbissell.com/blog -- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make
the world... nutty.