Editor's note: This is a crude, sick series of shock jokes. You've been warned.
--------------- Becoming a parent for the first time can be a bewildering experience. Here are some tips to help you through those hectic first few months:
- Wait at least three weeks before tattooing baby.
- If baby starts to choke, don't help: Allowing infant to cough up blockage "all-by-myself" will help tremendously in development of his or her self-esteem.
- Always store baby in a secure, locked drawer when not in use.
- Prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by screaming at baby every five minutes, "Are you okay, baby?!"
- Babies love to play. Grasp baby by ankles and, with quick snap of the wrist, crack its soft skull against wall or floor.
- Tired of your baby's fat, wrinkled appearance? Apply hot iron to him or her for 30 seconds on each side.
- Baby carriers are a needless expense. Try metal pail instead.
- Your newborn's tiny fingers and toes look so cute, you may want to just nibble them right off, but don't - fingers and toes do not grow back.
- When mailing baby across country, be sure to poke holes in box.
- Car safety is an important, often overlooked facet of infant care. When securing baby in spare-tire well, weigh child down with cinderblock to keep him or her from flying out of pickup bed.
- When referring to baby in third-person, always use pronoun "it."
- Develop baby's hand-eye coordination by shooting rubberbands at his or her face. In time, he or she will learn to block them.
I take old Starbucks Drink Cups and turn them into Lamps
The warm panels are made from melting down old Starbucks drink cups, but it looks and feels like mica or some organic material. The wood in the lampshade and base is pulled from our 100 year old house in Astoria Oregon during a remodel, and it all comes together for a beautiful, classic look.
Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at
michaelbissell.com/blog -- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make
the world... nutty.