Editor's note: Well, they only sent us 99, but I know what you're thinking for number 100...
---- 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about military hardware. 4. A week's holiday requires only one suitcase. 5. Match of the Day. 6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 7. Queues for the toilet are 90% shorter. 8. You can open all your own jars. 9. Old friends don't bitch about you if you've lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. 11. When channel surfing, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. 12. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview. 13. All your orgasms are real. 14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go. 17. People expect you to masturbate. 18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19. Your last name stays put. 20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 21. When your work is criticised, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food. 23. The garage is all yours. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. You can fart with impunity. 26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 27. You never have to clean the toilet. Or oven. 28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be be your friend. 32. Your underwear is £5 for a three pack. 33. You understand why Beavis and Butthead is funny. 34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night. 37. If you're 34 and single nobody gives a shit. 38. You can write your name in the snow. 39. You don't have to bother having a proper conversation with your mates down the pub. 40. Everything on your face stays its original colour. 41. Chocolate is just another snack. 42. You understand the offside rule. 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 44. Flowers fix everything. 45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47. You can wear a white shirt in the rain. 48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough for most of your life. 49. You can boast about the number of people you've slept with. 50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 51. Foreplay is optional. 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55. You don't have to clean your flat if the meter reader is coming by. 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 58. You don't give a toss if no one notices your new haircut. 59. You can watch a game in silence with your mate for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me" 60. The world is your urinal. 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 62. You can play and enjoy computer games other than Tetris. 63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 64. One mood, all the time. 65. You can admire Tim Roth without starving yourself to look like him. 66. You can remember the punchlines to jokes. 67. You know at least a dozen ways to open a beer bottle. 68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing. 69. Same work....more pay. 70. Grey hair and wrinkles add character. 71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72. Wedding Dress £1000; Morning suit hire £75. 73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75. You don't have to try others' desserts. 76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 79. You can sit in a pub on your own without plonkers trying to cop off with you. 80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 81. Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights. 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the toilet. 85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87. You can rationalise any behaviour with the handy phrase "F*ck it!" 88. If an other bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 89. You can teach your friend's children swear words. 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?" 99. You can't get pregnant.
-- Karina Dibble
Here's what I did stuck at home...
I got bored just puttering in my shop, so I thought I'd take that old lattice in the back yard and nail it to the wall. Actually turned out pretty cool
Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at
michaelbissell.com/blog -- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make
the world... nutty.