Jokeindex home

LOTS of Music Riddles (G)


More Stuff!
Jokeindex Home
G rated jokes
Intellectual
Riddles/One liners
Q: How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe. .

Q: What do you call an oboist who is deaf?
A: Principal.

Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much he'll fall off the ladder.

Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower.

Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune tenor sax player! The other two are just hallucinations.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bari-sax?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss lots of notes.

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for leaks and alignment problems.

Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.

Q: How many hornists does it take to play split lead?
A: One.

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: How can you tell a trombonist's kids at a playground?
A: They don't know how to use the slide.

Q: How many bass trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he's going to do it too loud.

Q: How do you contact a baritone player?
A: You-phone-`em.

Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.

Q: What's the difference between a 3/4 tuba and a 5/4 tuba?
A: About five yards.

Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2" X 3 1/2".

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. (They have machines to do that now.)

Q: How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?
A: He rushes.

Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.

Q: What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

Q: What's the definition of a quarter-tone?
A: A harpist tuning unison strings.

Q: Why are pianists' fingers like lightening?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive AND inaccurate.

Q: Why are violins smaller than violas?
A: They're really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.

Q: What do you do if you're short a violinist?
A: Have a percussionist drag his fingernails across a chalkboard.

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.

Q: What do violists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A: No one knows when to come in.

Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: What do a bad airplane mechanic and a violist have in common?
A: Both screw up Boeings.

Q: What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
A: The cello burns longer.

Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.




Buy my book!
Mundane Journeys through an Amazing World begins with Interstate 80. Not the most engaging topic, I know, but when you think about it, I-80 runs all the way across the North American continent linking San Francisco and New York. It's not just a ribbon of asphalt, it's a portal to far away, almost magical places.

My visits to major cities like Tokyo, London and Washington DC have been business affairs. I haven't rode a lot of roller coasters or ridden in open air buses, but I have visited with senators, bought yams from the back of a truck and barely escaped complete embarrassment when I was introduced to Matt Wiener in Vegas.

As I wrote the book I realized that over the years exotic, distant places have become more like the mundane places I've called home. But, as it turns out, there really aren't any mundane places, only mundane ways of looking at things.

If you have the cost of a latte and a Kindle, you can buy a copy at Amazon by clicking here.

Or buy it in print! Mundane Journeys Trade Paperback


Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at michaelbissell.com/blog -- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make the world... nutty.

Today's blog: Tribal Amnesia
Follow @bissell and @jokeindex on Twitter