A small balding man stormed into a local bar one evening and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed off I can't even see straight!" The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE.
The man swilled down the drink and demanded, "Gimme another ONE!" The bartender pours the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale: "Well, I am a salesman for this fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an apartment in this neighbourhood. I knock on the door and this woman opens the door. Now, the lady can't make up her mind, so she asks me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."
"Well, the woman says, 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match today, he's gonna be REAL MAD! He won't believe that you are just a salesman. Quick, HIDE!'"
"So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Tell me, who you been seeing now?'"
"The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now have a glass of water and calm down.' Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either."
"Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Oh boy, I'm dead meat now'. But the woman by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking."
"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the guy pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE." "No," the customer replied, "that didn't really BOTHER me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and agreed, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so UPSET."
"No, that WASN'T what really pissed me off." The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally piss you off?"
"Well I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and looked down, and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!!!"
Here's what I did stuck at home...
I got bored just puttering in my shop, so I thought I'd take that old lattice in the back yard and nail it to the wall. Actually turned out pretty cool
Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at
michaelbissell.com/blog -- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make
the world... nutty.