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Are you an Internet Junky? (G)

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This quiz is dedicated to all of those people who find themselves constantly roaming the net. Do you leave yourself logged in twenty-four hours a day, even when you're not home? Is your wpm typing speed higher than your IQ? Are you having trouble seeing things at distances greater than 2 feet? Yes, YOU. You know who you are.

Ok... shall we begin? Yes? 5 points... (you could've backed out.)

Unless otherwise stated, point values are as follows:
2 for (a), 4 for (b), 6 for (c), and 10 for (d).

How many valid net addresses do you have?
Multiple machines at the same site do not count.

How many hours did it take for you to create your .sig?
a) Huh?
b) More than one
c) More than five
d) I'm still looking for a really funky quote

On an average working day, how many email messages do you receive?
a) Nobody sends me any mail... sniff
b) Three, but they're all from Lester in the next cubicle over, because he has nothing better to do
c) I can't count that high, I failed calculus
d) Don't ask me now, I'm too busy. Send me e-mail.

All right, fess up. Have you ever read just to see what the heck those perverts were talking about?
a) Yes, and I'm so ashamed
b) Yes, and I'm so embarrassed
c) Yes, and would you please explain a few things to me...
d) No, never. (10 points. You're lying.)

Have you ever met one of your past SO's (significant others) via a computer network?
a) No
b) Yes, through a newsgroup we both posted on
c) Yes, by chatting randomly over the Internet (shame!)
d) Yes, by chatting over RELAY

Once you've logged onto your system, what do you spend most of your time doing?
a) Putting books on reserve in the library computer system.
b) Reading _Alice in Wonderland_ in the online bookshelf
c) Reading the monthly postings on rec.humor.funny
d) Writing up stupid quizzes because you've done everything else

If someone were to telephone your home at any given moment of the day, what would be the percent chance that your phone would be busy?
a) Zero... I've got call waiting
b) 25%.... I only dial in from work (Uh, hi, boss)
c) 75%.... Duh, so that's why nobody ever calls me
d) Zero... My modem has a separate phone line

Which Usenet newsgroups do you spend the most time reading?
a) The comp. groups... because they're so informative
b) The soc. groups.... because they're so multicultural
c) The rec. groups.... because they're so diverting
d) The alt. groups.... because I don't know what half those words mean

What's your worst complaint about having an Internet account?
a) I have to pay $5/month for it
b) The damn sysadmins won't give me enough quota to hold all my .gif's
c) All those programmers keep tying up the modem lines
d) I have to stay in school to keep it

Check your watch now. What time is it?
a) 10 am... coffee break
b) 3 pm.... General Hospital's on
c) 12 am... one last login before I hit the sack
d) 4 am.... Oh my God, I've got a test tomorrow


0-25 points: You're not a nerd. Go read a manual or two and come back next year.

25-50 points: You're an up-and-coming Internet nerd. Why don't you telnet over to and play around with the Quartz BBS for a while.

50-75 points: You're a full-fledged Internet nerd. Join the club.

75-100 points: You're an Internet addict. Try going to the library this week, it'll do you some good.

100+ points: You're an Internet obsessive-compulsive. Unplug your computer, go out in the woods for a few days, and relax. Lay back and listen to the birds singing. Clear your mind. And don't forget to unsubscribe yourself from all those lists before you leave.

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My visits to major cities like Tokyo, London and Washington DC have been business affairs. I haven't rode a lot of roller coasters or ridden in open air buses, but I have visited with senators, bought yams from the back of a truck and barely escaped complete embarrassment when I was introduced to Matt Wiener in Vegas.

As I wrote the book I realized that over the years exotic, distant places have become more like the mundane places I've called home. But, as it turns out, there really aren't any mundane places, only mundane ways of looking at things.

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Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at -- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make the world... nutty.

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