Comedian Quotes (G)
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' Jay Leno
I dated this girl for two years --- and then the nagging started: 'I wanna know your name...' Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Stephen Leacock
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger Simon
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Pearl Williams
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. Billiam Coronel
Buy my book!
Mundane Journeys through an Amazing World
begins with Interstate 80. Not the most engaging topic, I know, but when you think about it, I-80 runs all the way across the North American continent linking San Francisco and New York. It's not just a ribbon of asphalt, it's a portal to far away, almost magical places.
My visits to major cities like Tokyo, London and Washington DC have been business affairs. I haven't rode a lot of roller coasters or ridden in open air buses, but I have visited with senators, bought yams from the back of a truck and barely escaped complete embarrassment when I was introduced to Matt Wiener in Vegas.
As I wrote the book I realized that over the years exotic, distant places have become more like the mundane places I've called home. But, as it turns out, there really aren't any mundane places, only mundane ways of looking at things.
If you have the cost of a latte and a Kindle, you can buy a copy at Amazon by clicking here.
Or buy it in print! Mundane Journeys Trade Paperback
Be sure to check out my blog at
-- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make
the world... nutty.
Today's blog: The New Facebook is Text Messaging
Follow @bissell and @jokeindex on Twitter