God's Tech Support (G)
'There is an upgrade path from the Old to the New Testament, but it's difficult and unsupported.'
'We were only able to get the first seven Commandments on the stone tablets. The last three will be in Commandments '98.'
'You can't get your bush to burn? Have you tried sacrifice?'
'The 'virgin birth' is not a bug, it's a documented feature.'
'You'll need more RAM to run all four horseman concurrently.'
'The first semaphore is being dropped, the second is returning an olive branch.'
'I.S. says it will rain for exactly 20 days.'
'Kai's Revelations Tools produce some really cool effects but they're difficult to understand and use.'
'We killed the process, but three days later it came back.'
'The walls of Jericho won't fall without a 100% fully compatible Soundblaster Card.'
'The voice of God is a standardized protocol, but each prophet implements it differently.'
'My wife looked at K&R and now she's a pillar of salt.'
'Each loaf and fish comes with an AOL disk!'
'Yes, the documentation is poorly organized, contradictory and written by committee. It's still better than UNIX man pages.'
'Adam & Eve would still be in the garden if they'd eaten the Windows.'
'Who told you that? Lucifer? Of COURSE he'd say heaven has heating problems.'
'Ah, no sir. No, I'm afraid not. We stopped honoring indulgences hundreds of years ago.'
'No. I'm afraid not. That's NOT what the Rapture is all about. In fact, that's still classified as a sin'.
'No, no, no. That's NOT what was meant by 'Love thy neighbor as thyself'.'
'The Apocrypha? I'm sorry sir. We don't support third party additions.'
'Yes we do offer a lifetime guarantee. As long as you registered yourself with us via baptism, you're covered. Yes, even then. Yes, we know it's quite a good deal. Why thank you, we like to think it's the best deal around.'
'Did you read the release notes for Godly service? No? Well, it clearly states that 'Celibate' was a typo. It should have been 'Celebrate'...
'Yes, there's an SDK and we have done some limited partnerships in the past. In fact, some developers had access to the Miracles SDK for awhile. However, we ran into some problems with legal, so it was pulled.'
'I'm sorry. There currently no way to extend the beta period for an individual human.'
'The office of God has no official comment on the use or existence of other 'companies', past, present or future.'
'We simply provide a tool called 'life'. It's neither good nor bad. What you do with it is up to you. However, you may want to get in touch with our marketing department so we can use you as an endorsement or case study if things go particularly well.'
'Satan called in again, pretending to be a customer.'
'Man, I hate taking those walking on water calls, especially when they've already fallen in a few times.'
'I'm sorry sir, but we do not support life on Mars.'
'You killed your son to prove your faith? Didn't you see the addendum
to the readme.txt?'
'We have seen problems with receiving the Holy Spirit, so we need to re-initialize your COM port.'
'I'm very sure that if it's got serial number 666, it's not our product.'
'You're feeling lustful for your neighbor's wife? We have a technote for that.'
'Worshipping a false idol certainly is in violation of the support agreement.'
'Ma'am, yelling at me isn't going to make Him fix the problem any sooner.'
Buy my book!
Mundane Journeys through an Amazing World
begins with Interstate 80. Not the most engaging topic, I know, but when you think about it, I-80 runs all the way across the North American continent linking San Francisco and New York. It's not just a ribbon of asphalt, it's a portal to far away, almost magical places.
My visits to major cities like Tokyo, London and Washington DC have been business affairs. I haven't rode a lot of roller coasters or ridden in open air buses, but I have visited with senators, bought yams from the back of a truck and barely escaped complete embarrassment when I was introduced to Matt Wiener in Vegas.
As I wrote the book I realized that over the years exotic, distant places have become more like the mundane places I've called home. But, as it turns out, there really aren't any mundane places, only mundane ways of looking at things.
If you have the cost of a latte and a Kindle, you can buy a copy at Amazon by clicking here.
Or buy it in print! Mundane Journeys Trade Paperback
Be sure to check out my blog at
-- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make
the world... nutty.
Today's blog: The New Facebook is Text Messaging
Follow @bissell and @jokeindex on Twitter