Jokeindex home

Seattle Thanksgiving Day (G)


More Stuff!
Jokeindex Home
G rated jokes
Holiday
Thanksgiving
This World We Live In
SEATTLE'S TURKEY DAY ETIQUETTE

It's been 145 years since the first white settlers landed at Alki Beach at Thanksgiving time, took one look at the overcast skies and the sodden, rain-soaked West Seattle terrain, and burst into tears.

(History, alas, doesn't record the response of the Native Americans when they spotted those tear-drenched settlers. But they probably were too polite to laugh out loud.)

In the intervening years, the first residents and the settlers have worked out the rules for Thanksgiving, Puget Sound style. Here they are, recently updated by an ad hoc Turkey Day committee:

DRESS CODE. Thanksgiving Day guests will arrive wearing Seattle tuxes: clean jeans, turtleneck sweaters and down jackets with weathered ski-lift tags. Hiking boots are optional.

CONVERSATION'S GAMBIT. Topics will include: 1) the election; 2) previous elections; and, 3) the next election. Several arguments will ensue before the host or hostess declares politics 'off-limits.'

CLEANERS' COROLLARY. Spills will happen in direct proportion to the staining capacity of the dish (cranberry sauce rates high) and the expense of dry cleaning the garment.

CHRISTMAS CONVENTION. If you are attending a family gathering, expect this reminder: 'Don't forget to bring your Christmas list to Thanksgiving dinner.'

MEOW'S MOMENT. The family cat will appear long enough to 1) shed hair on anyone wearing a black or navy-blue sweater; 2) perch on the lap of whoever most dislikes cats; and, 3) insist on sharing the smoked-salmon hors d'oeuvres.

OLD-TIMERS' LAMENT. Some oldster in the group will remark that it's a rotten shame there's no longer a Turkey Day football game between Puget Sound and Seattle high-school champs.

ELBOW'S LAW. Local custom calls for every left-handed diner to be seated to the right of a right-handed diner, maximizing chances for spills.

PORCELAIN'S PROGRESS. At least two different patterns of dinnerware must be visible on Puget Sound tables during every course.

SALAD LAW. Tossed salads supplied by guests will arrive with an excess of moisture, supplied by ambient rainfall. If the day is merely overcast, the host or hostess should add water before serving.

MOLDED SALAD LAW. Guaranteed to do one of three things: contain miniature marshmallows, fail to unmold properly, or slide off the serving plate onto the lap of one of the diners.

GRAVY'S CONSTANT. The silver gravy boat -- a wedding present from Great Aunt Emma and Uncle Ed -- will vanish before the meal. It will show up next summer when you're searching for beach towels.

TURKEY'S GRIPE. One vegetarian guest will complain about the fare, saying, 'Why can't we ever have tofu au gratin?'

PIE'S PARADOX. Provide two kinds of pie and diners will either decline or ask for 'a sliver of both.'

POLLYANNA'S PRINCIPLE. Guests will include one orphan, someone from out of town who can't make it home. If no orphan is available, the family oddball can substitute.

REFRIGERATOR'S RULE. After all guests depart, at least one never-served dish will turn up in the refrigerator.

DEPARTURE'S RULE. Some guests will arrive very early; some will show up late. But they'll all leave at the same time.




Buy my book!
Mundane Journeys through an Amazing World begins with Interstate 80. Not the most engaging topic, I know, but when you think about it, I-80 runs all the way across the North American continent linking San Francisco and New York. It's not just a ribbon of asphalt, it's a portal to far away, almost magical places.

My visits to major cities like Tokyo, London and Washington DC have been business affairs. I haven't rode a lot of roller coasters or ridden in open air buses, but I have visited with senators, bought yams from the back of a truck and barely escaped complete embarrassment when I was introduced to Matt Wiener in Vegas.

As I wrote the book I realized that over the years exotic, distant places have become more like the mundane places I've called home. But, as it turns out, there really aren't any mundane places, only mundane ways of looking at things.

If you have the cost of a latte and a Kindle, you can buy a copy at Amazon by clicking here.

Or buy it in print! Mundane Journeys Trade Paperback


Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at michaelbissell.com/blog -- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make the world... nutty.

Today's blog: A bit about Starbucks-ese
Follow @bissell and @jokeindex on Twitter